"Kauai Cliffs" by ingridz @ flickr.com
When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
~Friedrich Nietzche~
"I've been tagged" by Christolakis @ flickr
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely…
~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882)~
Colic. Every parent’s nightmare.
At the hospital, everything’s cool. Baby coos, you ahhh, nurses help.
But once you bring baby home and through that front door, you’re all on your own. Heaven help you once all hell breaks loose.
Baby’s screaming, your bladder is full, tummy is rumbling, the dog has to go outside NOW, the phone starts to ring, the UPS guy is dropping off a super-belated gift from Aunt Martha, and oh yeah, the cable guy is here because for some reason the cable isn’t working. And don’t forget dear little Tommy banging his plastic chiming hammer against the china cabinet while contemplating peeing in the floor along with the dog (who, by the way, is now barking up a storm at the UPS guy knocking on the door).
Once you get the UPS package inside intact, ignore the phone (that’s why you have voicemail, right?), take the dog AND Tommy outside to pee after strapping the still-screaming baby to your chest, you start to breathe again. Sort of.
Three hours later, baby’s still crying and you’re half-way to bald as you desperately google “How to make a baby stop crying.” Change the diaper. Check. Feed. Check. Burp. Check. Rock. Check. Sing. Check. CHECK CHECK CHECK!
A colicky baby is enough to make even the sanest of parents wish for a pair of Bose Silencing Headphones. But they’re the lucky ones. Yes, I said lucky ones.
You see, depressed parents are almost two times more likely to have a colicky baby than non-depressed parents. Hey – kinda like hitting the lottery, right? But wait – does the colic cause the depression? Nope. According to Mijke van den Berg, a child psychiatrist at Erasmus Medical Center in the Netherlands, the parents were screened for depression before birth.
So what’s the deal then?
Dr. van den Berg states that her study is not definitive and more information is needed to draw a firmer conclusion. But the conclusion to me doesn’t really seem fair to depressed dads. It lays on an even bigger guilt trip. Or perhaps this would serve as motivation to seek therapy if your wife gets pregnant – yanno – to avoid the whole unexplained screaming for more than three hours a day baby thing. Wouldn’t that be the chivalrous thing to do, especially if you’re the one working?
By the time baby gets here, moms and dads are already worn thin. Why on earth would we get a colicky baby to top things off? For fun?
Bottom line here folks, if you’re feeling gloomy, angry, irritated or upset and finding it’s interfering with your daily routine for more than a couple of weeks, please seek help. Talk to someone, anyone. Even if it’s a casual mention to your wife’s OB. He or she may be able to refer you to a trained professional. It’s not shameful to get help. It’s powerful. It’s the right thing to do…for you and for your kid.
A recent survey by the American Psychiatric Association has discovered that being a dad is a motivating factor in seeking help. As many as 90 percent of respondents indicating that their status as a father or legal guardian “would have an impact on their decision to seek help if they were depressed.”
While it is difficult to admit depression because it’s stigmatized as a sign of weakness, admitting there is a problem is the first step towards finding help and beginning recovery. Even though the stigma of depression has been slowly fading over the past few years, many of the respondents also admitted that it would be easier to talk about other health issues besides depression.
“It is encouraging to see that fathers are open to getting help and that some of the stigma surrounding men and depression is waning,” stated Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D., Chair of the Council on Communications at the American Psychiatric Association. “A father who takes care of himself is taking care of his whole family.”
Seeking out treatment and talking about your experience with depression can help tremendously with your family dynamic. You may even find yourself stronger for having gone through the experience. Don’t expect results overnight though. Depression is not something we can dismiss or carry out the front door and never see again. It takes time, patience, and sometimes it is very painful as we journey towards recovery. Also, don’t forget that once recovered there will be a slightly changed dynamic to your personality. As with any experience, your brush with depression will become part of you. It is up to you, though, to determine how it will integrate with your personality and daily life.
You can read the APA article about this survey (and even participate) by clicking here.
Esperanza, a magazine dedicated to providing hope and coping skills for anxiety and depression, addresses male depression in their Spring 2009 issue. They are also asking for men to share their experience with depression in their Sound Off section.
Chuck Schultz bravely opens up in the article about his struggle with depression. It’s definitely worth a read.
Don’t forget guys!
Tonight at 9:00pm, PSI is hosting their weekly chat for Dads. You can call in if you’re struggling to support your partner or struggling with depression yourself. No need for identifying yourself, and it’s free! These calls are limited to 15 callers, last an hour (unless no one calls in – then the Expert will end the call at 15 minutes past the hour). Please remember that this call is NOT meant to replace the advice of a professional.
"School House North of Moab UT" by Michael D. Martin @ flickr
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
~George Herbert~
If you’ve landed here as a result of a Google, Yahoo, Bing, or other search engine, you already know how many results you can get in mere seconds and even sometimes nano-seconds. Thousands! So you wade through the results hoping for reliable and trustworthy information to help with your current situation. Unfortunately, not everything out there is reliable and trustworthy. And even if it is reliable and trustworthy, you should ALWAYS check with a professional prior to implementing or stopping any treatment.
Here are some general tips to help you tell the good from the bad (source: Medical Library Association):
1. Sponsorship
- Can you easily identify the site sponsor? Sponsorship is important because it helps establish the site as respected and dependable. Does the site list advisory board members or consultants? This may give you further insights on the credibility of information published on the site.
- The web address itself can provide additional information about the nature of the site and the sponsor’s intent.
- A government agency has .gov in the address.
- An educational institution is indicated by .edu in the address.
- A professional organization such as a scientific or research society will be identified as .org. For example, the American Cancer Society’s website is http://www.cancer.org/.
- Commercial sites identified by .com will most often identify the sponsor as a company, for example Merck & Co., the pharmaceutical firm.
- What should you know about .com health sites? Commercial sites may represent a specific company or be sponsored by a company using the web for commercial reasons—to sell products. At the same time, many commercial websites have valuable and credible information. Many hospitals have .com in their address. The site should fully disclose the sponsor of the site, including the identities of commercial and noncommercial organizations that have contributed funding, services, or material to the site.
2. Currency
- The site should be updated frequently. Health information changes constantly as new information is learned about diseases and treatments through research and patient care. websites should reflect the most up-to-date information.
- The website should be consistently available, with the date of the latest revision clearly posted. This usually appears at the bottom of the page.
3. Factual information
- Information should be presented in a clear manner. It should be factual (not opinion) and capable of being verified from a primary information source such as the professional literature, abstracts, or links to other web pages.
- Information represented as an opinion should be clearly stated and the source should be identified as a qualified professional or organization.
4. Audience
- The website should clearly state whether the information is intended for the consumer or the health professional.
- Many health information websites have two different areas – one for consumers, one for professionals. The design of the site should make selection of one area over the other clear to the user.
MLA’s guidelines are an excellent starting point and should be used by anyone searching for Medical information on the internet. Many caregivers will also tell you to not search the web for information, especially if you have a Postpartum Mood Disorder. If you have a question and feel overwhelmed with doing research on your own, get in touch with a Postpartum Support International Coordinator, your midwife, or your doctor, and ask for help in doing research. Sometimes you may come across research or news stories that are not applicable to your situation that may cause triggering thoughts or increase your fear and anxiety without justification. This is especially important for parents struggling with a Psychosis or OCD diagnosis.
I also want to take a moment to mention that a good doctor or advocate will be compassionate, understanding, and work with you regarding your desired route of treatment. Good Caregivers and Advocates are able to stay objective and not allow personal experience to cloud their aid to those who seek their help. This does not dismiss advocates who have specialized knowledge of certain types of treatment however – what I mean by this statement is that if you approach and advocate with a question regarding an Anti-Depressant, they should direct you to research regarding that particular medication and encourage you to also speak with your caregiver. They should NOT bash said medication because they’ve had a bad experience with it. If the caregiver or advocate is not compassionate and instead dismiss or attack your desired treatment methods, it’s time to find another caregiver or advocate for support.
As a Postpartum Support International Coordinator myself, I work very hard to support the journey the family is on and the treatment route that best fits with their personal philosophy. I encourage the involvment of professionals – including the OB, midwife, general practitioner, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I also encourage Moms and Dads to take time for themselves, something we all forget to do from time to time, but is very important for our mental well-being.
So please remember to:
Thoroughly check the source of the information you are reading online using the above guidelines from the Medical Library Association.
Double-check any information regarding starting treatment or stopping treatment with your professional caregiver prior to implementation.
Make sure your caregiver respects your opinion regarding your or your wife’s body/mind. (You both are of course, the #1 expert in this area!) If he/she doesn’t, although it may be difficult, find another caregiver who DOES respect you!
Take time for yourselves as you heal.
"Hokoku-byo: Steps to Hideyoshi's Grave"
The man on top of the mountain didn’t fall there.
~unknown~
"Lightbulb" by clagnut @ flickr
I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.
-Thomas Edison-
