This past June, Richard Shaw, M.D., a Packard/Stanford Child Psychologist, studied post traumatic stress disorder among parents of premature infants in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. The results showed that regardless of severity of the infant’s condition, all parents showed very similar symptoms. Many of the parents responded to this traumatic beginning by over-compensating for their child’s health by taking the child to the doctor more frequently.

Most notable though, for this blog’s focus, was the results of the father’s response. It seems that at four months the maternal reaction would be balancing out but the father’s response would be hitting the wall. More often than not, the father would have a more intense reaction than Mom. Shaw theorizes the reason for the delayed response is Dad wanting to stay strong for Mom.

This particular piece of research hit home for me. It was at about four months when I was finally putting my life back together but my husband’s own life seemingly crumbled before my eyes. He became increasingly irritable, argumentative, did not want to talk, was using marijuana more and more. He also quit his job just three weeks before our daughter’s cleft palate surgery which was scheduled when she was 5 months old. While I did not yet have the strength to pull it completely together, I found myself having to do so. He sank into a very deep depression and we had to pull each other up even with surgeries swirling around us. Remember that even if the forward progress is slow, it’s forward progress.

The key is to communicate. Let her know you’re struggling. Listen to her concerns. Share your concerns. Many NICU’s across the nation have access to a Social Worker. Ask for support and find out if there is a support group available at the hospital. Peer support is as invaluable as family support. Train family members to care for your special needs child so you and Mom can go out to get coffee. Gradually work your way up to a movie. Some communities have respite care available for worn out parents of special needs children as well. And please don’t forget to ask for in-home nursing.

When you are blessed with a special needs child don’t forget to take extra special care of yourself. Because the healthier you are mentally, the better chance your child has at really thriving in life.